I have this one friend that I love very much but I’ve had to let go.
I struggle with opening up and when I do that means I’ve invested. Once I have invested I don’t want to let go. The pain literally feels like I am losing a limb.
I think a lot of us don’t really understand that humans are constantly evolving. And if we don’t grow with the people around us then they will become obsolete with the new updates. Imagine we are phones, the upgrade is always bigger and takes up more space, if you are unable to provide extra storage that app cannot be installed. It’s the same with friendships, if you can’t handle growth you’ll feel crowded by your friend’s success so you need to grow simultaneously.
I have many friends that I don’t speak to anymore. Did we fight? No. Do we hate each other? Absolutely not but we did grow apart. I treasure them in my heart and if they text me I’ll reply. And they are always welcome to my circle.
When you force friendships past their expiry date they’ll start to wreak. The rot is toxic and unhealthy.
So, back to that one friend. She was with me through thick and thin. You can’t imagine the things she saw me through. I am forever grateful for them. These experiences are the reason that have kept me bound in an unhealthy friendship. I felt like I owed her something for everything she did for me. So I kept staying. She had earned my loyalty. But that was the problem, she had EARNED my loyalty back then but what had she done for me lately? I held on too long to a memory of who she had been to me and I didn’t realise that she has been more toxic than helpful lately.
I have risen from the ashes. My life is in a better place and she keeps coming through with some muddy mess from back in the day. I don’t know where we went wrong. Everytime she texts I know its bad news that will probably ruin my day. Exactly like that one line from Big Sean’s IDFWU, “Why you always coming round with bad news, say you want me to win but hope I lose?” The dynamics of our friendship changed and she didn’t understand this. She didn’t know this new Thembi Terry that isn’t weak, tired and pathetic and felt the need to keep dragging me back to the hell that I fought very hard to crawl out of. I was easier to manage back then you see.
I was outchea tryna be positive, you know good vibes and all. Stayed yelling them positive affirmations into my life and she would come out with some negativity talking me down and counting me into her cynicism. This one time she bumped into some young girl that had become CEO or some crap like that and she sent it to me with a caption like, “Look what other kids are doing while we outchea growing old with nothing to show for it.” When you send messages like that, how do you want me to react? Literally asking for a friend.
I had to make a change and I did.